A blessing and a curse

Hayden's Most Common Expression on her Meds. Spring 2012

This Summer, after Hayden missed a few dosages of her ADHD medicine, I made a conscious decision to refrain from administering her doses through the beginning of the school year. 

Hayden takes Vyvanse. It's a prescribed narcotic to help her focus, sort her thoughts, slow her brain down and gain a clear view on her daily living. Vyvanse is the second med she's been on in two years. The first being Concerta. 

In her day to day life, she struggles with slight OCD, ODD, and anxiety. Unfortunately for children on the Autism spectrum, there is no clear understanding of what/how/why their brain processes, or doesn't, the way it does. And many children with an ASD have other neurological deficits. So an rx for ADHD will help with many of her focus issues. Lucky for us, she does not have a behavior problem, nor is she a disruption in class. Her ADHD rears itself as lack of focus, comprehension and fidgeting. Both of the meds she's been on, has proved to help greatly with her focus. But there is a downside. The side effects are horrendous. At least in our opinion. And I didn't understand the intensity of her side effects until I took her off her meds. 

Hayden is oppositional by nature. You ask her to do something, she gets defensive and angry. She blames anyone (usually her sister) for anything that happens to her. For instance, if she were to bump in the chair, she would blame Taylor. It's not just in a sibling/she's a child kind of way, it's more than that. Hayden has a mild touch of anxiety. She has a fear of high ceilings. It is a fear that she has undercome in some circumstances, but in others (like the museum we visited this Summer) near debilitating.She also gets extremely anxious in large crowds and if her routine is mixed up and if she's not at home for more than a day or two. She can be happy internally, but we'd never know it because she looks, acts and talks miserable. 

Well, off of her meds...we're seeing her smile. Hearing her laugh. Watching her play with TOYS not gravel, sticks and lint. She's engaging with her neighborhood friends. She's asking to do things. She's HUGGING. She's LOVING. She's SINGING. She's DANCING. She's ENGAGING. 

These are all emotions..actions, we've not experienced with her. And it's joyous. 

We knew that this was probably temporary. We informed her teacher after the first couple weeks of school, that we were experimenting with her meds. After about 8 weeks back, she called upon me to talk about Hayden's struggles. They are clearly due to her inability to focus, comprehend or event follow words on a page. We have an appointment with her pediatrician next week. I'm going to talk to him about the side effects and what we experienced with her off of her meds over the Summer, and see if he may have a 'happy medium' we could try. He's always been real honest with me and told me where bright sides come, darkness follows. Interpreted, we cannot have the best of everything, we take what we can get. It is a blessing that modern medicine can help..bring thoughts and attention into focus. She would be lost without it. Not knowing where she is in an assignment in school. Not remembering to pay attention before walking into a parking lot. Forgetting the stove is hot and laying her hands on it. It is also a curse, because it clouds every sense of who she is. 

I'm so sad and anxious, myself, knowing that she's going to hole up again. She's really upset, as well, that she has to go back on her meds. Chill pill, she calls it. She understands why, but I believe she, too, has loved listening to herself laugh. 

Hayden off her meds. Summer of 2012