Isn't there a better word?

I'm not too fond of resolutions. Who is? Do I know a soul who has actually resolved to make a change and actually kept with it? Please, step forward. Because I know, that is not me.
As a girl I thought resolutions were silly. Not that I really knew what they were. But every year you hear the same; lose weight, quit smoking, less swearing. So, year after year, decade after decade, and even nine years into a new millenium resolutions still come up December 31st and die down, not long after, I'm sure.

Here I sit at 32 years old on January 3rd, teasing myself with a resolution. I knew not to say that I'd start on January 1st. That's just silly. January 1st is a Thursday. Who makes a lifestyle change on a Thursday? So, I'll start January 5th. Yah, the 5th. It's a Monday, after the first weekend of the brand new year. That counts right? I mean, I didn't break a resolution if I haven't started it yet, even though those are supposed to begin on 1/1.

I need a CHANGE. Every year since Hayden was born, less the year I was preggers with Tay, I have sat in the middle of the repetitious Weight Watchers meeting with high aspirations to LOSE WEIGHT. In the back of my mind, although at the time the thought doesn't pass. But in the back of my mind, I know I'm going to lose a few pounds, start to look/feel better, get comfortable with that and fall off the wagon. Then, I will make excuses. The first excuses were that I was going to have another baby (eventually), so it's not absolutely necessary to lose weight. I would just gain it back, then be back in WW the following 1/1, so...why not wait until that time has come?
Fast forward to 1/1/07, well, I had a baby (9 months ago) and I lost my baby weight. I've put a few extra pounds on, but hey, who doesn't. I'll give it a try, but my body is never going to shrink back to pre-baby, so maybe this is my 'new normal'.
No joke, I can excuse myself with the best of them. But now, well, not just now....for several months I've been sick of myself. I've just been putting it off until a time when I thought it would be more realistic for me to succeed. I want to lose weight.
I can say I want to get healthy, but I don't really feel like I'm unhealthy. I want to LOSE WEIGHT. I don't want to be unrealistic, I don't have aspirations to shrink down to an unattainable number, but I want to lose weight. So....how the hell do I stay motivated? I cannot blame anyone/thing but myself.
I have no desire to have any more children. I have no desire to purchase a bigger size jean. I have no desire to give up culinary greatness. See, that's my problem. I know, I just said I can't blame it on anyone/thing but myself...but I have this sick love affair with food. And healthy food sucks. It doesn't taste good and hardly looks pretty.
I love sauces and bread, cheeses and meats. How do I get beyond it. I don't want light, skim, fat free cheese. I haven't a clue how my system would handle the rejection of sugars and starches. Carbs are to Becca like cotton is to Q-Tips. And Diet Dr. Pepper. I know, I know....Soda is the devil. I hear it regularly. And I know that diet is no better than regular. But for real...give up soda? I love seltzer, but it has no caffeine. How...where...function...huh? I cannot function without caffiene. I've tried it. Over and over and over. Doesn't work.
So, will being pissed off with myself help? Will it put me over the edge and motivate me? Will the thought that someone else is soon to be gaining weight, and when she's done and takes hers off, and I want to look just as good as her, so I've gotta get a few month running start motivate me? Will the thought that I wanna be a hot mommy taking my kids to the park, rather than a flabby mommy, motivate me?
I dunno! I don't quite know what will do the trick. But I do know that I've got to give it a try, Again. If I succeed, I should be so proud. If I fail, I should be so mad, at only myself. And in the meantime, I've been gearing up for January 5th for the last 5 days. It's amazing my heart, and guts, haven't exploded with all I've eaten. I'm adapting to the five meal a day plan, I thought I needed to ease myself into it. Unfortunately, I misread....it actually said five SMALL meals a day! Oh dopey me!